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Morning People
Psychopaths vs. Normals
Humor | 4 minute read
June 21, 2025
You know, here’s the thing about psychopaths—we all know at least one. Possibly even live with one. You don’t believe me? Let me tell you exactly who they are.
Generally speaking, they’re normal people. Too normal, if you ask me. They walk the streets amongst us. They drive to work. They go grocery shopping. They even floss their teeth at night. They do all the standard human activities. Nothing extraordinary—except for one thing.
They wake up at 4 in the morning filled with the world's energy, ready to run 5 miles and knock out a full workout before sunrise.
That’s not normal behavior. No sir. Everything about that is deeply disturbing.
First of all, normal people go to bed at 4 in the morning. We sure as hell don’t wake up energized—nor are we craving muscle torture in the dark.
Normal people wake up feeling half dead, half grumpy, and fully disoriented. There’s a good chance we don’t know what year we just woke up into—or out of.
The first thing we crave is a boost of caffeine. Preferably injected directly into our bloodstream. (yes, we know—we’re addicted!) Even then, it takes about 90 minutes to reach our mildly coherent senses.
Our first order of business? To determine whether to stay awake or sneak in one more nap. And because we’re responsible adults with jobs and societal expectations—we dive back into bed anyway, fully aware we’re risking everything for a quick snuggle with our pillow.
Meanwhile the psychopaths of the world have already crushed 5 conference calls, devoured 2 full breakfasts, attended 3 in-person meetings, had an early lunch, a late lunch, an early snack, a late snack, closed on 2 big sales, scrolled through Instagram 37 times, and finalized a detailed step-by-step evening workout.
To make matters worse, psychopaths and normals usually live in the same household. Though they rarely see each other—passing like ghosts through shift change. Like house guards on a mission: one must always be awake, while the other is debating some major life decisions.
When they do communicate, it’s a brief collision of cosmic misalignment. The psychopaths radiate light, positivity and unsolicited affection. The normals exude apathy, rumble incoherent seance and decay into spiritual putrefaction. Both defying the universe’s magnetism—forced to coexist under the same roof.
Still don't believe me? Just try having a conversation with a psychopath. The first thing they’ll say is, "Oh man, I had a great workout at five in the morning.’
That’s your cue to run… straight back to bed.